The Bogus Bunch: Plant Scams
Unrooted cuttings and nodes are a scam, change my mind.
Every day I’m seeing more and more listings for “chonks” which is just a confusingly cutesy name for a useless wet stick. “But RJ, I can’t afford a full plant! Nodes are the only way I’ll ever own that plant!” FALSE. It’s the only way you’ll own that plant RIGHT NOW. The math on this logic doesn’t add up. Say a node of an Albo sells for $100 (the average price I’m seeing). Now you have a stick with zero leaves for $100. Cuttings are going anywhere between $100-250 (gag) for one leaf. Full totems go for anywhere between $400-1,000. $1,000 is ridiculous and I’ll slap anyone who pays that for being silly, but look at it this way:
Totem of Albo ~25-30 leaves at $800 total = $32/leaf ($1,000 totem is still $40/leaf!)
Albo one leaf cutting ~$100/leaf
Node cutting ~$100 for zero leaves and a 90% chance of rotting.
If you’d saved that money you spent on a node and continued to save, you’d get way more plant for far less money at the end of the day. All it requires is patience.
Patience is hard, but it’s worth it when it comes to most things in life, but especially plants. You can’t force them to grow when they’re not ready just like you can’t force a node to be worth the investment money. You’re robbing yourself blind for the sake of instant gratification, which is sad. I’m sad to see people too impatient to have the “it plant” that you buy anything you can get your hands on. Be aware of your purchases, realize that nodes are just feeding in to the higher prices and are the reason that things seem so unaffordable. Why wouldn’t a seller list a 4 leaf cutting for $1,200 if someone will buy something half dead already for $100? My friend James (@MonsteraMadness) put it best, “If they had any faith in these plants they’d grow them out themselves before selling it.” BOOM, roasted.
Flippers, we all know how I feel about this, but there’s a new layer to this onion that’s come to light. Large specimen plants are being bought from collectors, and then chopped and sold. Here’s why this is absolutely just stupid: Large specimen plants are harder to find than Big Foot. Everyone everywhere has cutting for sale. Nodes, one leaf mid cuts, you name a shitty option and it’s out there. You know what’s not out there? Big plants. If you’re going to flip something, why would you take what no one has only to chop it up into exactly the same product that’s being mass sold everywhere? You took something uncommon to find and made it utterly common. No wonder plant shops don’t want to sell the large specimen they find and keep them as “shop plants.” It’s a knife in the stomach to find something so beautiful and so hard to come by, only to have it hacked apart and sold for pieces. Plants are living things that don’t deserve such a cruel end. And I mean end because 90% of the people who buy unrooted cuttings don’t know how to root them and they die. So congratulations, everyone! We’ve fucked it up with greed. We’ve lost countless plants to selfish people with selfish intentions.
Scams come in the form of wording, too. “Rare” doesn’t mean what it used to mean. An Albo isn’t rare, it’s hard to find for a reasonable price. Rare should be reserved for plants that are endangered in the wild, that need protection, they should be kept in botanical gardens and conservatories to be studied and appreciated. Spiritus Sancti? Now that’s rare. Jose Buono? Nope. Albo? Nah. Your albo synognium? Sorry, but no again. I promise you that the majority of things labeled “rare” on sale posts are only labeled that to trick someone into buying it. To trick them into paying more than what it’s worth. There are uncommon plants everywhere, and if we know the difference between something truly rare and something being called rare we’re less likely to see these people succeed in ripping someone off. Never pay Friends & Family, always goods and services. FB Pay is a joke, Venmo is a gamble, and whatever the fuck Zelle is, I’m not touching it. Be aware of your money.
Here’s the thing: Being patient is hard, but you’re not five, you can do it. Don’t spend money on useless things and then complain about current prices. If you buy an overpriced wet stick (node, “chonk,” whatever the fuck you wanna call it), you don’t have the right to be upset when it dies. Not if, when. To the 2% of you that had success with them, good for you, but they’re still ridiculous and a ripoff for 98% of people.
Be patient, don’t scam, don’t support unethical plant sales, and don’t believe that everything is “rare.” Listen to the collectors around you because we’ve been screaming bloody murder about this for a long time. You admire our collections but don’t want to listen to our advice on how to acquire such a collection: Time and patience.
Happy Tuesday to everyone except the scammers and flippers. I hope your plants have thrips.
